pay to play

There I am.  Upper left corner.  Under “Associations”:

the big time

What is “The Boroughing,” you ask?  Well, it all started when my girlfriend landed a job slinging yellow pages ads for Idearc Media.  Truly one of the most sickening jobs one could imagine, particularly for someone not generally disposed for a life in sales, particularly not selling ads in the one part of publishing more dinosaur-esque than newspapers.  Convincing businesses to buy ad space in the yellow pages?  Maybe in fucking Timbuktu.  Well, she was working in the Bronx.  But, still…

the bronx is burning... with business opportunities!

Anyway, so she’s not closing many sales, Idearc is monitoring her time on the phone to make sure she’s making the requisite effort (which often meant she would call me and I would pick up and then set the receiver down, allowing the minutes to accrue while I listened to her quietly sobbing on the other end) and meanwhile they close the Bronx office and move shop to Westchester, pushing her commute to the, you know, holyfuckingshit level.  Well, over beers with friends one evening we hatch some harebrained scheme whereby we’ll purchase a series of cryptic ads in the yellow pages to (a) help my gf out with her sales numbers and (b) initiate a new business/secret society/citywide scavenger hunt/mindfuck.  As I said, we were drinking beers.  The name of the project?  The Boroughing.

Well, the next day my gf is at work and alerts me to the fact that, gee, the City Island yellow pages book is closing, like, that day, so if we’re really going to do this thing, I need to sign the contract today.  I was getting the hard sell from my own gf.  And, being the stand-up guy that I am, I followed through (making me the only one out of the previous night’s group to recognize the Boroughing in the sobering light of day).  When it came to the content, I concocted the requisite cryptic ad, aggregating buzzwords from a quick study of City Island’s history, and threw together a logo.  And then, viola, the Boroughing was in print.  It was a reality.  Of sorts.  Was it worth the $300+ I dropped on the ad?  Can you put a price on… whatever the fuck that was?  We never got around to creating www.theboroughing.com, though I did buy the URL.  And we did change the outgoing message on our answering machine to reflect the office of that wonderful “association,” the Boroughing, just in case Idearc should get a bug up their ass to verify that their hotshot new saleswoman was in fact selling ads to businesses and not well-intentioned boyfriends.

standing tall

Fast-forward two months, my girlfriend is laid off by Idearc.  Did she collect the full commission on her sale to me?  Doubtful.

Fast-forward ten months, a new Idearc salesman (one I’m not sleeping with) calls me about renewing my contract for next year’s edition of the City Island yellow pages.  I explain that, unfortunately, the ad has not increased my sales of nonexistent goods and/or services and I would like to cancel the service.  The salesman is understanding.

Fast-forward thirteen months and the yellow pages bill keeps coming.  Frantic at pushing my flushing-my-money-down-the-toilet into a second year, I call Idearc.  After much haranguing (on both sides) it comes out that my contract has been extended an additional three months (which Idearc allows itself to do, by writ of the original contract).  Why?  Because they haven’t closed next year’s book yet.  Are they printing more copies of last year’s book, I inquire?  No.  No, they are not.  But since the new book hasn’t come out, last year’s book (featuring The Boroughing (.com!)) is still the yellow pages of record, and, accordingly, everyone in last year’s book has to keep paying for the privilege, and accompanying avalanche of publicity, of appearing in the yellow pages for another three months (apparently the amount of time necessary to, you know, make the next edition of the yellow pages the very best it could be).

truth in advertising

So, if you should find yourself in City Island, perhaps because of your appreciation of the recent Andy Garcia vehicle, please do pick up a copy of the yellow pages.  And if you find yourself in the market for an imaginary association, be sure to give us a call.

for all your boroughing needs